I've recently been posting about traditions which have been changing, some for very good reasons. Many of our wedding traditions originated in a patriarchal age when a woman was regarded as her father's "property" until she was "given away" to her husband at the wedding. I've already written about how the traditional "giving away" is changing (or gone forever), and how we can take that opportunity to create new meaningful ways of acknowledging significant people at a wedding ceremony.

I received a message a few days ago seeking my ideas about the custom of asking a bride's father (or parents) for permission to marry his/their daughter, and what should a couple do with that tradition now. On the one hand, we might think (and rightly so) that an adult who is old enough to vote for a Government, sit on a jury and make decisions about someone's life, and serve in the armed forces and defend their country, should also be capable of making an important decision about their own life without a parent's permission! But on the other hand, parents often play a huge part in helping someone grow to maturity and to the point where they are capable of making that decision, and it may be good to acknowledge that relationship. And you probably want to maintain a good relationship with the future in-laws and get their 'blessing'. Family relationships can also be complex, not everyone is close to their parents, and you may not want to put yourself in the situation where a parent could say 'no.' Tricky. So what should you do? 

Here are two examples, from my own personal experience. When I proposed to my then-future-wife, and she accepted, I reckoned that hers was the only permission I needed and was taken a little aback when she asked "so when are you going to ask Dad?" I got around my problem by meeting with my fairly traditionalist future father-in-law and letting him know how much I loved his daughter, how we planned to have a great life together, and that we had decided to get married. He was delighted (naturally!) and in the ensuing excitement he probably didn't even notice that I didn't ask for his permission.

My second example is from the 'other' perspective - as the potential father-in-law. I had a pretty good idea what was about to happen when my eldest daughter's boyfriend invited me to lunch (they say there's no such thing as a free lunch, so I expected it was going to cost me something). I made him sweat for quite a while, discussing work, politics, the economy, you-name-it. Eventually he plucked up enough courage to interrupt me and change the subject, and asked for permission to marry my daughter. I said he didn't need my permission, but I was delighted they'd come to that decision themselves and they would definitely have our support and blessing. 

I doubt very much if many parents these days expect to be asked for permission for a son or daughter to marry, and in many cases they will have already seen the love blossoming between you, but it's nice for them to be included in the process of their son/daughter creating a new family . Depending on your family circumstances, weddings can be a time to celebrate family and to acknowledge all the important people in your lives. Meeting with yours and your partner's parents to announce your plans can be one of the 'special moments' which you may later treasure. Every family is different and there is no one 'rule' that will suit every family situation. If your partner has a good relationship with his or her family, and you want to involve them in the wedding and in your married lives thereafter, it would probably be a good idea to make some kind of a fuss about how you announce your marriage plans to them.  So in my opinion, and it's just my opinion, you don't need to ask your partner's parents for permission but they will probably be very honoured if you pay them a special visit (or invite them to a special lunch) to make your announcement.

So, you've decided to change your name after your wedding, either by adopting your partner's surname, hyphenating or merging names. or taking a brand new name. Regardless of which option you go with, you will need to let people know about the change. Here's a handy check list.

1. Before you contact banks or Government departments or agencies you will need an Official Marriage Certificate. This isn't the commemorative certificate you sign at the ceremony. You will need to apply to BDM for a full marriage certificate. Your Celebrant can do this for you at the same time as they register the marriage, and it will be a lot less trouble for you and will generally come much quicker. If you need it urgently (for example, for applying for travel visas) let your celebrant know. I usually register marriages within 24 hours of performing the ceremony and apply for the full marriage certificate at the same time. It generally comes by registered mail within 4-5 days. The fee currently charged by BDM for issuing this certificate is $60.
2. Don't give your official marriage certificate to anyone, or it will cost you $60 every time you apply for another one. Make a few copies and get a Justice of the Peace to certify them as true copies. If your Celebrant is a JP (as I am) they should certify some copies for you.
3. You should let Roads and Maritime Services know so they can change your name on your Drivers Licence. You will sometimes need photo ID in your married name, so this should be the first thing to change.
4. If you're planning to travel soon make sure you check if the name on your passport needs changing. This could affect any visas you've already applied for, so make sure you check with the embassies or consulates of the countries you're travelling to if you need to do anything.
5. Next you should contact your bank and insurance companies about whether you need to change your name on bank accounts, insurance policies, etc. Don't forget to contact the Tax Office (ATO) as well.
6. Remember, if you've adopted your partner's surname your birth-name is still a legal name and you can continue to use it, even if you also use a married name. You may wish to continue using it for professional and club memberships for example.

Finally, have fun letting everyone in your social network know about your name change. If they weren't guests at your wedding it's a good way to share your news and spread your excitement about the new phase in your life!

In my previous post I listed some options for changing your surname after marriage (or not). In Australia, while it has traditionally been women adopting their husband's surnames, the rules have always allowed either party to adopt their partner's name. Now that the Marriage Act has been changed to allow two people to marry regardless of gender the same rules apply i.e. either party can take on their partner's name without having to apply for an official name change. According to the NSW Registry of Births Deaths and Marriages (I'll call them BDM from now on) "If you were married in Australia a formal change of name is not required if you wish to take your spouse's surname. A standard marriage certificate is usually sufficient evidence to have personal documentation such as your driver's licence and passport changed to your married surname." You can still legally use the name on your birth certificate, so, for example, if you want to open a bank account in your new 'married' name you will have to provide the bank with a copy of your Marriage Certificate, but if you also want to join a professional association using the name on your Degree (the name registered at birth) you can use that name as well (and, if they need ID, you can use your birth certificate or any other official document with your birth-name). The change-of-name-by-marriage rules apply to hyphenated names as well (e.g. Smith-Jones), so if your surname is Smith and your partner's name is Jones  you can add your partner's name to your own (Smith-Jones) without having to do anything, but will need to provide the Marriage Certificate as evidence of a change of name when applying for a bank account, passport, etc.

But what if you decide to adopt a new name? Let's say that neither of you like Smith, Jones or Smith-Jones and you decide to take the surname "Sydney" because that's where you met and fell in love (ah yes, Sydney has so many awesome people a lot of us fall in love here!). There are a couple of options for changing your name. After your marriage you can both apply to register a change of name with BDM. You will have to meet certain requirements (e.g. you must have been born in NSW or lived here for 3 years if you were born overseas - if you were born interstate you will need to contact BDM in that State) and pay a fee (currently $190). The application form is here. Another option would be for one of you to officially change your name before the marriage, and then the other can adopt that name by marriage. For example, Peter Smith and Gary Jones are getting married and both are planning to adopt the name "Sydney" after the wedding. If Peter changes his name to Peter Sydney before the marriage, Gary still has the option of becoming Gary Sydney, Gary Sydney-Jones, or remaining as Gary Jones. You will save $190 but the downside of this is that when you exchange your vows during the ceremony Peter must give his name as "Peter Sydney" and this may confuse a lot of your guests who know him as Peter Smith!

​There are some other restrictions on changing your name so if you're thinking of taking a new name you should check first with BDM. The relevant page on their website is here.

Who do you need to tell that you've changed your name? I'll cover that in my next post.

While around 80% of Australian women follow tradition and take their husband's surname after marriage (according to 2016 figures) the trend could be changing. I am often asked by brides how they go about changing their name after the wedding.  I've writen about this before, but with changes to the Marriage Act it's time to chat about it again so this will be the first of a short series of posts about changing your name. What are your options, and what do you legally have to do? 

Now that the law in Australia allows same-sex couples to marry it will be interesting to see over time what most couples decide to do about surnames. In the next couple of posts I will also look at the options for same-sex couples changing names.

So, for both straight and same-sex couples the options are pretty much the same:

1. One party changes their surname and adopts their partner's name as their own. The tradition of a bride taking her husband's surname dates back to a time when a woman was seen as her husband's "property" and while no one thinks that way any more the tradition has carried on. It's the same with the bride being "given away" by her father: she was once her father's "property" and after marriage she becomes the property of a new man. It's funny how the tradition of being "given away" has still persisted long after society has abandoned regarding women as property! That's another subject (which I covered in a couple earlier posts here and here) and it's something which is changing. I like to suggest creative ways for couples to recognise the influential people in their lives without anyone being "given away"! For example, in a wedding I performed yesterday the father of the bride walked his daughter down the aisle and then the bride's teenage son presented his mum and gave his blessing to the new family unit that she was creating with the new wonderful man in her life.
2. Traditionally, it's the woman who adopts her husband's surname, but occassionally a man takes on his wife's name. It's a good opportunity to get rid of a name you've always hated!
3. My gut-feeling is that hyphenated names are becoming more popular, although the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages doesn't actually collect any data about name-changes so it's only my feeling. It's a good way for both parties to acknowledge their heritage and that of their partner.
4. A nice option is for the couple to decide on a brand new surname, something that would be meaningful for both of them. It could be a 'merged' name, for example, or the placename of where they met or fell in love, or the name of someone who was influential in both their lives, or a quality or attribute which is important to them.
5. You don't have to change a thing. There are all sorts of reasons why someone would want to keep their name unchanged: for example, to retain your professional name, the name on your degrees, the name you are known by and to maintain the reputation you've taken years to build. There is no legal reason why you must change your name.

​In my next post I talk about the legal requirements for changing your name.